Because You Could Not Be Here

Author's Note: My Dad and Mom live in an Assisted Living facility in Minnesota, and together are facing the inevitable end we will all come to see should the Lord tarry. This is an email I sent to concerned friends and family members who frequently ask about my folks. I was asked to post it for all to see, so here, dear blogger, is a peak into my personal life. It was written late Friday evening, January 11th, 2008.

The Subject "Because You Could Not Be Here" refers to my family and my parents close friends who would have done anything to be with my parents as they heard the news.
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To my loved ones both friends and family,

Today I watched as my Dad and Mother were given the news that Dad's melanoma has spread to his neck, shoulders, back and abdomen. It was, as you would imagine, a sobering moment that while not unexpected, tested the mettle of all participants. Mom's primary concern was Dad's reaction. She never expressed any overt emotion, but I could see the wheels turning even as she tried to listen to the words of Dr. Tangelos, Dad's Primary Care Physician.

On the other hand, Dad went into his "Clinic Mode" and peppered Tangelos with a cogent collection of questions. It reminded me of dinner table days when one of the children would throw out some outrageous belief, and Dad would act as Inquisitor, testing your resolve to defend your position. It made me smile, because Dad can still involve himself with the best of them when the topic really interests him.

After a full day at the Clinic, the three of us trekked to Michael's for a nice dinner and conversation. We talked of kids and grandkids, of times gone by and days to come. It was during this dinner that I was struck by the way the two of them were already moving on to the next thing. While there may be some rough times ahead, I believe that they will be prepared. Over the next few days, they will be exploring the hospice care benefits available to them.

There is one definitive thing I can tell you: Mom and Dad will be together until the end comes. Of that there is no doubt. The next steps is planning how the time will go, the level of care to be administered and the choices of advanced care that will be taken. If all goes according to plan, they will remain here at Homestead throughout. That is Dad's wish, and Mom is determined to make it so.

Here's the thing. After dinner and finally getting home, after a little remote control training and some movie watching, Dad finally decided it was time for bed. This is no small task these days, made all the more interesting by his V-Pap machine, etc. So as I sat in the next bedroom and started to read some emails, Mom and Dad prepared him for bed as they do every night. I could hear them chatting softly, Mom occasionally chiding him for this or that. But in the process the little giggles could be heard, until finally they were laughing together as I have heard from them for years. There was a comfort in the laughter, a familiarity to it that brought me back to childhood. Over the years I have heard them share this joy together many times. It made me mindful that of all things, it is the laughter we share that is indeed, the best medicine of all.

The folks and I talked of the eternity we know lies ahead through our believing in Jesus Christ. Tonight we shared the common comfort that this world is temporal, and that eternity is but a "twinkling of an eye" from now. Mother and Father have had an incredible life of family, travel, spirituality and togetherness. I feel they are prepared for this temporal separation, and the real comfort comes in knowing that life eternal awaits them and all their family. To loose ourselves from this earthen vessel will be a relief for all of us, since we will leave behind the infirmaries that beset us in this mortal shell.

I wanted to share this night with all of you who have been so diligent to ask me about my parents, as well as with those for whom time and distance prevented you from being here with us. After Dad went to bed, Mom and I had some time and I leave you with the thought she shared with me:

When Dad decided to take the job here at Mayo, he had been 10 years removed from practicing medicine. He had been in the Air Force and at University (as both student and teacher) and felt he had few diagnostic skills. After all, at the heart of an Internist, they are not the repairman, but more like the general contractor. They ned to asses and analyze, and leave the work of repair to other specialists. Anyway, Dad was "woefully unprepared" to be a doctor, and had to spend countless hours to prepare to see patients. Mom spoke of the dedication and time consuming study he had to undertake. In the end, she said that Dad was successful because more than anything else, he wanted to care for patients. He never viewed this as work, because the rewards would come from the people he would help.

In the twilight of his days, I believe he is prepared for this challenge as well, and I have no doubt he will do it with the same gentleness, patience and love he has displayed for all his life. He will do it with the love of his life at his side until the very end. They will find peacefulness in the comfort of the Promise of the Return and joy in the laughter they so richly create together.

Thank you all for your prayers and concerns, and for your continued prayers for their comfort together,

Jeff

What is a marriage?

The NY Times had a great article on the history of marriage that prompted me to write this entry.

I am married to a wonderful woman. In fact, I was once married to another wonderful woman, but that didn't work out so good. The point is, I am a proponent of marriage. I loved this exchange from Up Close and Personal after Michelle Pfeiffer proposes to Robert Redford:

Pfeiffer: I want you around in the morning.
Redford: You already have me around in the morning. How, I don't know, but you do.
Pfeiffer: I want to know you're legally required to be there.

That's what I feel - I want to know I am legally obligated to be there, and my wife is legally obligated to let me be there. I think marriage makes people work harder to make a relationship work - it gives you something extra to wake up to every day. My current wife and I lived together for 7 years before we got married. You would think there was no difference between November 20th, 2002 and November 22nd, 2002. But there was. I recall waking up that first morning after we were married (in a quick civil ceremony, witnessed by Trilbey Shirley, the Judges Admin, There's a name I'll never forget) and thought "Wow, this is different." Maybe because I never lived with my first wife before I got married, I didn't have the same experience. Maybe it was because I was 23 years older. I don't know. But it felt very different than it had 48 hours before.

Now, here's the point of this essay - marriage is important, probably too important to involve the Federal, State or Local governments. I don't think Uncle Sam should define marriage - I think people should define marriage. For the purposes of decided property, medical decision making, etc, there should be some type of civil union, where two people can decide who is responsible for them when things go wrong. That means in a "dissolution" of a union, who has property rights. It means if I am lying on my deathbed, who should decide when the plug is pulled or if Herculean efforts should be taken to keep me alive. And no governmental interference should come into play.

If two spinsters have spent their adult lives together, sharing a house and communal property, when the one dies, the other should get the stuff left behind. If a same sex couple wants to register as a "union" with the state, so be it. They are entitled to each others property and debts, and should be treated to the same legal protection in hospital visitation and in determining their partners wishes. Kinky Friedman once said something like "Do I believe in Gay Marriage? Absolutely. Gays should have the right to be as miserable as the rest of us."

If you want a marriage, then let your individual church have a marriage contract. But the government should not be in the marriage business. The government doesn't need to determine a religious preference, simply a rights preference. And our constitution is clear that all citizens are created equal, and that doesn't allow for the government to decide the moral guidelines for legal contracts.

At least, that's what Norman Normal would say.